Love in so many faces.

I can’t believe that I survived Valentines day again. Kidding aside.

I actually had a very memorable Valentines day. It started with a hang-out on the eve of Valentines day where I spent the entire night checking all the final exams for my trainees. I invited my friend to stay with me as we are both cramming to prepare the grades ( I so love my students) and were planning to watch chick flick movies but too bad, we could not find any.

The next morning, I had to leave early as I need to attend the wedding of my schoolmates. A friend of mine was teasing me about it as she feared that it would make me feel bitter since I am actually experiencing something love-related issues. More of like frustrations and helplessness about someone whom I wished would spent more time with me and would have mustered enough courage to tell me what he really feel so I won’t end up expecting too much. I just can’t stand the waiting game and I need to start moving on, in case we’re not on the same page anymore. I just told my friend to stop worrying about me and the fact that I wanted to part of my friends amazing and inspiring wedding would be far more important. I was right and wrong at the same time.

The wedding of my friends was one of a kind. They got engaged a month ago during the papal visit. They were in Tacloban when the guy proposed to the girl, after nine years of being together. It was really wonderful and I feel that their relationship has been so full of blessings that they did not hesitated to share those blessings. They decided to skip a grand wedding and settled with a Kasalan ng Bayan “mass wedding”. They wanted to share their happiness and love to the orphanage by donating the budget of their wedding. They even instructed the visitors to prepare gifts for the children instead of the traditional wedding gifts. I feel awed and inspired by them.

The best part of the wedding was when they decided to have a short wedding parade from the church to our alma mater. The couple along with us(the guests) rode a princess ride (tricycle) and went to the school. It didn’t seemed like a wedding parade but rather than a trip down memory lane. The newly weds were my schoolmates and we were also in the same course. Our school paved for them to meet and later, fall in love to each other. This is the reason why the couple took some of their time to visit the school before going to the reception. It was also a good experience for me and for my co alumni, reminiscing the time that we spent in the school. The struggles of being a student from the old bumpy road, exams, terror teachers, thesis, allowance and many more funny and emotional memories.

I am so inspired by the couple especially the simplicity and creativity of the whole wedding. They have created fond memories and at the same time, shared their blessings to the children of the orphanage. They are so lucky to be with each other and spent the rest of their lives knowing that the love that they shared is stronger. The lines from 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 is a true manifestation of the kind of love and relationship that they have:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” 

I pray and wish for the best of their relationship.

I’m really amazed by them especially that I am the type of person who has a problem with commitment and relationship. Some have pointed out that I do expect too much from my potential partner or I am looking for a perfect one. I’m guilty about it and I am sometimes too proud to admit that I tend to drive people away. I expect them to be there when I needed them to be but never do the same in return. I feel that they have given up so easily on me without realizing that it is I who made futile attempts to make things work. I admit that I’m scared to be in a relationship. I’m scared that it would make me vulnerable to sufferings and heartaches. I have been so strong all my life and my friends believe that I am too empowered as a person, needing no one in my life to complete me. It’s a fact and i don’t need someone to complete me. I have been too independent that I’m afraid that if someone comes along, things will change and I might not able to handle  or maybe lose myself along the process. I don’t need someone to complete me, I need someone to love me, to understand me and to share memories with me. I need someone who will let me spread my wings and fly as high as I can. Letting me live and explore the life that I have long to discover without trying to control me.

I have tried very much to be in a relationship but it has always been a red flag for me when that person tries to control me or demand too much for me. That’s my problem, I do not demand time and affection because I too could not or do not wade to other people’s demand esp if it is about my time and personal decisions. I guess that’s the roots of my heart problems. I am not a difficult person, it’s just that I am not too dependent to anyone and do not prioritize being in a relationship for the sake of just having one. I know what I want and I actually do know who I want. I feel that at some point, we’re almost sharing the same feelings yet our differences in terms of dealing with it may have been the problem. I am too honest about my feelings while he’s actually not showy at all that oftentimes I question if I am just too assuming. I just want to set things right to him, we don’t need to be in a relationship right away but we just or I just need to know where are we heading to so that I can start all over again or maybe, exert more efforts to make things actually work. It’s difficult to cling on him only to find out in the future that I was never part of his plans. I know that both of us are keen on proving something to ourselves and working hard to be what we wanted to be. I’m fine with that, I can focus on what I do while he can also explore the things that will make him find his niche. I don’t care how long it will take us to find ourselves and reach our dreams. I can wait, I won’t be a hindrance to it and I wishes him to do the same. I just wanted to know if it’s worth the risks. I am done with taking chances, I’m too old and too tired for that. I just need a direction, a grip on the reality. If we won’t end up together, I know I’ll be able to accept that especially if things will be clear from the very start. No more than that. I know that I am not making any sense right now but yeah this Valentines season has been so challenging for me, clogging me with thoughts that I really don’t want to face yet. I’m so glad that I have my friends and family to give me unconditional support and love that even if I am not making sense to them most of the time, they don’t question my decisions and still care for me.

Some of my friends may have the perfect relationship and I am happy for them while some us may face or facing a lot of issues but I’m glad that we’re actually experiencing it. I’m not envious to  happy couples because I know that even if I am in their place, it might turn out different, Remember F. Scott Fitzgerald popular quotes ” There are all kinds of love in this world but never the same love twice”. (Shout out also to the That Thing called Tadhana film). I know that each one of us are bound for a very unique experiences in love. Things may not work for me now but maybe when I get to pass this phase, everything will be different. I just have to get on moving.