Have I been lost? Nope. I was just wandering around to strange places, trying to be brave and independent but then something happened, halting my journey.
To start off, I decided to quit to my first ever corporate job after eight months. It wasn’t an easy decision but after weighing things and taking into account my personal views as well of those whose advice matters, I realized that I cannot miss a new opportunity. Yes, I actually had another offer to work in an ngo and to take part on the continuous relief operations to those devastated by typhoon Haiyan. It was something that I would really want to try. A different world and a different work plus I get to use my skills in helping others.
I actually had a lot of worries but I decided to overcome the fear of the unknown and consider the work as part of my soul searching journey. I was actually in the middle of the so called quarter life crisis and I need to go away to think things over. Maybe, the new job would be the one. I mean, the right path for me. I thought.
Flash forward to the day that I left Davao City. I was worried, excited, sad and happy. It seemed like I was in a roller coaster ride but then, I already had made my decision. There’s no turning back. The plane ride was smooth and being up in the air made me feel so free. At last, I am actually doing things on my own. So much bravery and I really feel the power of independence.
When I arrived, I was picked up from the airport and headed to Jollibee for lunch. Three hours later, I was traversing the road towards my new home ( for at least the next three months). I was actually expecting a place with so much devastation but what greeted me is a place that despite what Haiyan had caused, is already getting back to normal. A town that slowly rebuilding itself.
During my first few days, I get to meet a lot of peopleand I am actually starting to enjoy the stay. The job is actually good, busy yet not that stressful. The pacing of my work is enough to somewhat not make me feel homesick. Yet, as I left the office and spent some quite time alone, I began to feel the separation anxiety. I was secretly crying at first, trying to be brave and deal things like an adult. Then some of my friends invited me to go to the church to pray. As I was entering the church, I remembered my family and began sobbing. I had felt the loneliness of being away. I have been with them for quite some time and it’s not easy to be far from them. Homesickness is not easy but with the right friends around, I think I was able to handle it well. It was also a quite weird day for me as I feel the need to reconnect with God. I have become a passive Catholic for years and going to church had been something that I wasn’t fond. Yet, at the end of the day, I found myself clinging on Him, asking for strength and guidance. Indeed, He’s always there, always open and waiting for His lost child. I feel at ease every time I am in the church.
As for my first weekend, I actually decided to visit my relatives, which I have not met yet. I also wanted to meet my grandfather’s living siblings as there are only two left. It took me three hours of travel but it was worth it as I enjoyed the mini reunion, embracing my roots and meeting new families. I enjoyed my stay and I know that my grandpa’s smiling above from heaven.
With the happy memories, I went back to work ready to face a new busy work week. My roommate had also moved out but I was somewhat not that lonely anymore. However, something happened during the dawn. I was awaken with this burning sensation in my chest, I thought I was having another asthma attack but it was really painful. After quite some time, the pain subdued but I was not able to go back to sleep again and just waited for the sunrise. I always enjoy the sunrise as it’s really beautiful.
The work day started and ended as usual. I was feeling somewhat okay so I wasn’t worried at all. Then, it happened again as I woke up with another burning sensation in the chest. Worst, I had to vomit and could feel the expulsion of acid like liquid. The pain did not subdue that even while working I was quite not in a good condition. It continued for hours prompting me to talk to our in house medical doctor. I took some medication and thought that I would feel better. Yet, another night spent being sleepless and worst, I started experiencing palpitations. I was beginning to feel worried as aside from having an asthma, I also have diabetes which could be triggered by the sleepless night. I called my parents and they were also quite worried. I told them that I’ll be fine and maybe, this is just stress or homesick induced sickness. I thought. Then, for the fourth time, I woke up sweating so much, gasping for my breathe and the burning sensation had worsen. It was really worst as I was having second thoughts to call the doctor. I was already vomiting and crying at the same time. After two hours, my situation did not improve so I decided to call my mother. She was really worried and advised me to go home so that I could meet my doctor. I was really hesitant so I decided to wait for the sun to rise and went to the medical team . They wanted to refer me to the nearby hospital and maybe, get admitted but I remember my mom’s advice. I then asked them to go back home instead and do the necessary tests at home as I don’t like being hospitalized, especially when alone. They agreed but on the condition that I could secure a medical clearance allowing me to ride a plane since I am experiencing palpitations. So I went straight to the city and had an ECG and got a medical clearance in which I was considered fit to travel.
To cut things short, here I am, back in my hometown. Actually, I am scheduled to be admitted to the hospital as my condition has not improved and I need to undergo a lot of laboratory tests. The worst part, my future is still uncertain. It’s actually what I’m really worried about. As much as I am beginning to like my new job, I’m worried that if I’ll push myself more, it will take a toll on my health. I wanna consider this a short detour towards my goal. Nonetheless, I am hoping for the best because as of this moment, the lab results might have higher weights in making a decision. Oh no. 😦